Army dad Paul and his baby, just after birth (Photo courtesy of the Schmidt family)

Editor’s note: This is a continuation of our ‘Rad Dad stories’ series, which we started in our inaugural magazine. This series features interviews from real dads and moms about their experiences. To be featured in a future blog post or magazine, please contact us at info@raddadbox.com

If you do a Google search on how dads can be involved during pregnancy, childbirth, or during the newborn days, you’ll find a plethora of articles (ours included!) with answers to these questions. Talk to the baby while he/she is still in the womb. Massage your partner’s arms and hips while she’s in labor. Make sure you have skin-to-skin time with baby, too.

But what if you, Dad, can’t be there for these moments? Many military dads, for example, are deployed during the entire pregnancy and even during childbirth and the first few months of the baby’s life. Some may be present for part of the pregnancy and during childbirth, but may have to deploy soon after the baby is born. How can dads bond with their babies in situations like these?

To help answer some of these questions, we spoke with a customer of ours, Kelsey Schmidt, whose husband, Paul, serves in the United States Army. Kelsey and her husband welcomed their son into the world last April 2017.

The Rad Dad Box: Was your husband deployed during your pregnancy? Childbirth? Or soon after?

Kelsey Schmidt: My husband deployed when I was two months pregnant. He was originally supposed to be deployed for nine months, meaning that he would only come back when our baby was three months old, but due to unforeseen circumstances, and what I believed to be the universe being on our side, Paul was able to come home 4 months early….TWO weeks before our baby was due! He was there for the birth, but then was called away to duty again almost a month later for another 6 weeks.

The Rad Dad Box: With your husband’s deployment, what did you as a family do to help foster his bond with the baby?

Kelsey: Before he left for deployment, we got a recording story book and had Dad read it so baby would know his voice. With hormones raging at the time, of course, I sobbed in the kitchen while hearing him record our baby’s storybook knowing how he was secretly afraid thinking our baby wouldn’t know who he was when he returned.

With military OB/GYN clinics, at least in our experience, you are just offered one ultrasound (anatomy scan). So we found a place that did private ultrasounds that allowed us to hear the heartbeat for the first time and see the baby at 8 weeks. We received a little heart that you could press and played a recording of the baby’s heartbeat, which my husband took with him overseas. They also had a gender package where you could find out at 15 weeks, which was a week before he was due to leave. We found out we were having a boy! So we went shopping and Dad picked out two coming home outfits–something we would put in the baby’s special box and keep forever. Just days before he left, we purchased a home doppler so he was able to hear and feel our boy’s first kick.

Baby Max (Photo courtesy of the Schmidt family)

The Rad Dad Box: You and Paul spent the majority of the pregnancy apart. Were you able to communicate regularly, via phone or Skype? I also imagine that it must be difficult to be separated during such a time. Did you have any family or friends around for support?

Kelsey: Paul left on Halloween and I had 7 months left of being pregnant, with family hours away. Luckily I had started school earlier in the year so I had the support of some of the girls in my class. If it weren’t for a couple of them, I don’t know how I could’ve survived! If someone offers help- TAKE IT! Although I’m a very independent person (and still felt guilty), I accepted any help I could get. Baby comes first which means your body comes first.

Unfortunately, because of the location where Paul was deployed he didn’t have great signal which meant video/voice chat was a no-go. With limited communication it was hard not knowing what he was feeling- was he excited? Scared? Happy? (Of course I knew he was all of these things, it’s just nice to see it). And of course the hormones started raging once again, making myself think maybe he wasn’t? Or afraid he didn’t know what was about to hit him when he returned. As crappy as it is, there’s not much you can do about these thoughts but tell yourself it’s just hormones! Though I knew I most likely wouldn’t get replies most of the time, I messaged him daily updating him on everything knowing he would receive them eventually.

The Rad Dad Box: You mentioned that Paul was able to come home two weeks before you were due. How was it like to see each other after so long and so many changes?

Kelsey: He was shocked, but he was also excited how big my belly had gotten! He talked to our baby every night before he came into the world on April 4, 2017.

The Rad Dad Box: Can you share your birth story and how Paul was involved?

Kelsey: I was scheduled for a cesarean and the look on his face after putting on scrubs is something I will never forget- you could tell every thought in the world was running through his head.

The baby was born, and you can see dad mode automatically turned on. I will say the hospitals are GREAT when it comes to involving dads during the birthing process. He cut the cord and helped weigh/measure our son. About an hour after delivery, our boy Max was taken to the NICU due to fluid in his lungs (common after a c-section). I told Paul not to leave our baby, as I was unable to leave the bed. Paul gave Max his first bath and for the second time I saw a photo of our baby’s face without all of the headgear he had to wear in the NICU. The next week consisted of trips back and forth to the NICU, Paul delivering the breast milk in the middle of the night I spent time pumping and him sleeping on the uncomfortable chair bed when I was forced to go to bed and rest.

After coming home and enjoying every second with our happy healthy boy, less than a month later, duty called and Paul was away for another 6 weeks.

Baby Max just after birth (Photo courtesy of the Schmidt family)

The Rad Dad Box: Do you have any advice for military families who are going through the same or a similar situation?

Know that the hard times of being apart will pass and the love will always be there. Just like Mom, Dad mode doesn’t turn off! If you have older children, SEND CARE PACKAGES! A simple card or letter means more than you know. And lastly the thing i think is probably most important and simple, bring dad up in conversations every day. Military life is unpredictable, take advantage of EVERY SECOND you have together!

We all know that dads are much more involved nowadays than in generations past. These days, dads actually attend childbirth classes with their wives and are present during the baby’s birth. (Although, to be fair, that has been the trend since the 1970s.) Although expecting dads are stepping up to the plate more, some may still find it hard to bond with their babies-to-be, and may need a little nudging on how to be more involved during pregnancy. So, aside from attending childbirth classes, what are some other ways expecting dads can be involved?

1. Attend childbirth classes. Yes, this list is supposed to be about other ways dads can be involved aside from childbirth classes, but this is so important that I want to emphasize it again. If your schedule permits, you should definitely do this. Nowadays, dads are expected to be active participants in the baby’s birth, which also means educating yourself on childbirth and labor.
2. Attend the OB/GYN check-ups. Try to attend as many doctor’s appointments with your partner as your schedule permits, Jane Zhao from Baby Got Pack says. As with the childbirth classes, making this effort shows that you care. These appointments also keep you informed of the baby’s progress, and give you an opportunity to feel closer to your partner and baby.
3. Attend breastfeeding classes. You would be surprised at how many dads are absent at breastfeeding classes. While it’s common to shelve this under “Mom’s thing,” it’s also important to remember that many women struggle with breastfeeding in the beginning. By educating yourself on breastfeeding, you will be positioned to help your partner and Baby should any issues arise. Don’t know where to start? Sign up for the breastfeeding class with your partner, and check out our previous post on how dads can help with breastfeeding.
4. Do the heavy lifting. If you are there during the pregnancy (meaning , for example, you are not deployed or for another reason can’t be present), don’t let your partner lift anything heavy. This means, no big boxes, no laundry baskets, no storage bins, heavy grocery bags, chairs, or anything else you can think of in that category. Although lifting heavy objects does not have a correlation with miscarriage, it’s best that your partner not strain herself too much physically during pregnancy.
5. Be patient. We interviewed approximately 20 women for this article, and this was the most common advice. Pregnant women have all sorts of hormones raging through them, and can be emotional, moody, and sometimes downright mean. Just accept it, don’t take anything too personally, and let your partner just cry it out – literally and figuratively.
6. Help with baby gear research. The majority of moms we spoke to told us that they were the ones doing the research into car seats, strollers, cribs, diapers, and all the products that come with babies. This is one area where more dads can step in and be involved with. Even just giving your opinion on a few big-ticket items like the car seat and crib is an immense help to your partner, who is most likely going cross-eyed from all the research.
7. Set up the crib – or hire someone to do it. Guys, please don’t let your pregnant wife/partner assemble the crib. Please. Just don’t. If you’re not handy (or, as mentioned earlier, are deployed or not able to be physically present), just hire someone to do it.
8. Talk to the baby. Babies can hear Dad’s voice in the womb, so if you can, try to talk to the baby at least once a day. You can talk about anything, really: how your day was, how excited you are to meet baby soon, and you can even start reading books to the baby. When I was pregnant, Mr. Rad Dad would sing, “Do you want to build a snowman?” (just that one line, from the movie Frozen) to the baby. After the baby was born, singing that one line would calm him down when he was crying!
9. Buy a toy and clothes for the baby. Most dads may hate shopping for themselves, but many like to do a little shopping for the baby! Buying a cute toy or a few outfits can help expecting dads strengthen their bond with baby.
10. Watch the baby move. This will be easier to do as the baby gets bigger, particularly in the third trimester, but spend a few minutes with your partner each night and just watch the baby move around. You can even play with the baby a little by pushing gently on the belly!

Need more ideas? Parents Magazine also has a great list of suggestions on how expecting dads can bond with baby!

Dads, how did you bond with baby in the womb? Let us know in the comments!